Monday, 1 August 2011

Five Reasons Miyagi Would Kick Han's Ass

My twelve year old brother is a big fan of the new Karate Kid movie. I was quite impressed myself having seen all three of the original 80s films (there is no forth movie in that series, and I will crane kick anyone who says otherwise), though I still maintained that the old trilogy was superior. My brother blurted out “Mr Han would kick Mr Miyagi’s ass!” and gave me a confrontational look which said if we came down to blows, I would lose, and lose HARD. I quickly retreated to the Internet to trash Mr Han in an online article my brother will never see. So without further ado, here are my top five reasons why Mr Miyagi would kick Mr Han’s ass.


He’s a real man. Miyagi has a proper beard and keeps to himself. He doesn’t trouble others with his problems and remains an enigma until the second movie where he cries manly tears over the death of his father. Mr Han blubs like a schoolgirl over a wife that died decades ago until a smoggy cloud of awkwardness chokes everyone else in the room. Dude, get over it! She probably wasn’t that hot anyway.

The 1984 Karate Kid universe is populated by bullies who have no qualms with murder. A group of bullies targets Daniel and throws him off a steep hill where he could have easily broken his neck. Next they beat him until he lapses into unconsciousness, and are about to continue beating his unmoving body when Mr Miyagi steps in. Had the old geezer not interfered, these kids would have solved the school sports equipment shortage by fashioning skipping ropes from Daniel’s intestines. This world has absolutely no mercy. Miyagi and Daniel can’t even spend a day at the beach without running into a couple of rednecks itching for a tussle with a teenager and his grandpa.

He was in the army. The 442nd Infantry Regiment to be exact, an all-Japanese American unit. Mr Han is a maintenance man and has presumably never killed anyone.

He has proven himself more capable. Miyagi plucks speeding arrows out of the air. He’s also beaten two psychotic Vietnam veterans who happen to be karate masters, both simultaneously! The only time we see Mr Han’s ability is in his fight with a group of ten year old boys. I’m sorry, is this supposed to be impressive? I could do that. The trick is to grab the smallest one by the legs and swing him around into the others like a medieval flail.

He is arguably a better teacher. Maybe this won't be a factor in a one on one fight, but I’m counting it. Mr Miyagi has enough sayings to put the entire fortune cookie industry out of business. You get the sense that Mr Han has no idea what he’s doing. Furthermore, both movies have scenes where the master trains the student through an unconventional method, only for the students to later discover they’ve been learning how to block the whole time. For some reason Mr Han’s method really doesn’t gel with me, the lack of explanation stretching the believability of a ten year old’s patience.

31 comments:

  1. lol really funny but you are so right!

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  2. Couldn't agree with you more. Mr. Miyagi would only have to look in Mr. Han's direction to make the latter run for cover.

    I remember first watching the original Karate Kid when I was still a teeny tiny little Bibi. I was doing the "wax on - wax off" move for at least two weeks after. Heck, I still do it every so often.

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  3. Too funny. I would have never done a side by side comparison. The new one was well done but I wouldn't ever pick it over the original...nor could anyone stand up to Mr. Miyagi in my mind. Totally agree with you here.

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  4. Oh, THAT Han? I thought you meant Han Solo... I was going to argue "You can't catch blaster fire with chopsticks" but yes, I agree with you.

    Miyagi > Han Even for their humor.

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  5. Bibi – Now do that whilst squatting and moving sideways. You’ll be the crab queen.

    Jewels – There’s no way the remake could’ve made the same huge cultural impact as the original. It’s still a decent movie, Jackie delivered a great performance and Jaden was alright for a child actor. He gets way too much flak just for being Will Smith’s son if you ask me.

    Oilfield - Yes you could, you’re holding back. There are still a few more drops of agreement to be wrung from you.

    Idaho – Nononono, Han Solo is unbeatable. Hokey traditions and ancient techniques are no match for a good blaster at your side.

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  6. Drake, I love the originals so much I refused to watch previews for the new one. I can barely even talk about it. Mr. Miyagi is referenced in the movie I saw Friday night (yep, Crazy Stupid Love. Hey there Ryan Gosling!) and everybody in the theater just GOT it, you know? He is a cultural icon and I love him. There, I said it.

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  7. lols i remembered watching The karate Kid when i was a kid. It was like a huge thing at the moment. It wasnt my type. I was a kid lol. Somehow i prefered 3 ninjas ( coz the characters are kids like me). Silly me... now that u mention this i need to watch the trilogy again. I might get hooked. xD

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  8. I thought the 'bullies' in the new movie were pretty weak. Oh no, they gave Jaden Smith a little bit of a bloody nose. Well, you see Daniel? They beat him retarded. It's not really implied in the film, but I always imagine that he went into his lessons with 10 less IQ points. That's something to be said of the kid as well.

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  9. @Drake - You'd love to see me do that, wouldn't you?

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  10. I have a confession to make. I've never actually seen any of the original Karate Kid movies. I saw the new one, and it was ok. However, I've still never seen Mr. Miyagi in action.

    Please don't disown me!

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  11. I have not seen the new one, but if it does not include the words "show me sand the deck" they should not even be allowed to use the title. As for Mr. Miyagi, he has no peers. Chuck Norris learned from him.

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  12. Heidi – That’s wise. Don’t contribute to the rape of your childhood. Err, teen years.

    Syazzies – I would have thought you’d prefer Karate Kid since children tend to look upon teens as pioneers of coolness.

    Beer – Damn straight. And that’s just the first movie! In the third some bullies trap Daniel at the bottom of a cliff and are going to leave him to drown unless he signs their contract. In fact most 80s bullies were insane. Biff from Back to the Future for example, tried to run Marty over and rape his mother.

    Bibi – Of course! Then I’ll have an excuse to crack you open.

    Candice – Consider yourself hexed.

    Teacake – Twenty years from now we’ll be so buried in remakes that the younger generation won’t be able to tell at a glance which one is the original.

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  13. I agree, although I think that Mr. Han from Enter the Dragon would kill them both. Especially with that CLAW.

    YOU HAVE OUR GRATTATUDE.

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  14. Yeah, can't test Miyagi. Beast mode.

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  15. Can't say that I remember seeing either of these movies. You do make a strong case for Mr. Miyagi. Anything with Wil Smith or his offspring is a turnoff for me though.

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  16. there's probably a confusion because jackie chan could undoubtedly beat noriyuki morita.

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  17. You couldn't be more right, Drake! XD I haven't seen the new Karate Kid film, but it didn't look that great anyway... Mr. Miyagi is the man and I don't think any modern-day wannabe could take his place! A great Tuesday for you, Drake! <3 <3 <3 *

    +Rei Bathory+

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  18. Nothing can top the original and Mr. Miyagi would so kick Han's a**. No question. I was so offended they remade the original film--some movies need not be redone.

    Also, I gave you an award that I hope you will like. :)

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  19. I'm pretty sure you're right based on beard points alone.

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  20. Let's not forget Miyagi's fly-ass vintage whips. I will never watch that abortion of a travesty, just like I never watched the one with Hillary Swank. There are only 3 Karate Kid movies, period.

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  21. hehe cute and i totally agree mr. Miyagi would win hands downs

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  22. You guys are being too generous. I only recognize the first one. After that it just started getting creepy, the way we were aging and Ralph Macchio was staying the same.

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  23. Han me the cleaver, gotta chop Mi yagi an make me some real man soup!

    You've made a good argument "for" keeping Miyagi alive! (said as cleaver is set aside)
    Now, you gotta post your bro's take on Han's superiority - only fair dude, only fair.

    Cheers, Jenny

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  24. HA! You and I are in wild agreement...

    Pearl

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  25. So true. Miyagi would kick Han all over the show, i admit that i haven't seen the new movie yet but i'm with you all the way! Miyagi is a legend, he is silent but deadly.

    Also i just read your blog comment, i'm intrigued about your aversion to Cosmo? I hope you'll still visit my blog :)

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  26. I'm taking this article as scientific proof! Thanks so much for doing the research Drake. Mr. Miyagi = fuck yea.

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  27. I don't even have to read this post to know that cute litte "wax on wax off man," could kick anyones ace! But I did.
    LOVE your rad words as always!

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