Tuesday, 22 April 2014

I'm Baaaaaack! And a sheep, apparently

There were many reasons for staying out as long as I did. Leaving was easy.  I had nothing more to say. Returning was another matter entirely.

For a long time my ego was simply unable to accept that I could pop back 3 years later as if nothing had happened. It had to be an event. I envisioned a scenario of myself swaggering towards the camera in a yellowed vest and hotpants with the Ultimate Warrior’s music playing, a replica of Batman’s utility belt strapped around my waist, HP sauce bottles poking out of every one of the two thousand compartments, cheap fireworks pathetically discharging as a faded Happy Birthday banner unfurls behind me, letters hastily crossed out in crayon and replaced by the words ‘Welcome to the Thunderdome!’

But then the Ultimate Warrior died, adding concerns of tastelessness to on an otherwise damn tasteful plan.

There were other concerns. Would the blogverse still be there? Were any of my old chums left? Shouldn’t I save myself for something so horrible that it brings me out of retirement? And perhaps most important of all, is it right to ruin my coincidental yet totally appropriate 69 post count? Today I have decided to do just that, for there is so much more to talk about. I am your host Drake Sigar - humbler, handsomer, and more pretentious than ever.

Monday, 15 August 2011

The Other Guys

I would have loved to be present at the meeting when the Hollywood producer pitched The Other Guys to his boss.

Producer: “So here’s what I’m thinking, Frank. We take two beloved action stars The Rock and Samuel L Jackson…”

Frank: “Yes?”

Producer: “And we put them together in a buddy cop movie.”

Frank: “Cha-ching, baby! We’ll make a fortu-“

Producer: “Then they die twenty minutes in and are replaced by the guy who ruined the Planet of the Apes remake and an aging comedian who is about as funny as a Nazi concentration camp.”

I’m no stranger to insanity. Every day I get out of the shower and wear my towel over one shoulder because I like to pretend I’m a Roman senator, but even I wouldn’t greenlight this. The Other Guys is a horrible movie because it lets you glimpse biblical levels of awesomeness and then violently rips it away from you, stubbornly refusing to be the movie you want it to be.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Rioting In England

For the last couple of days I’ve been getting messages asking about the riots. There’s the opening “omg are you ok?!” followed by the popular “what’s happening?!” and the ever cynical “I thought you were dead!” Well fine. You want to talk about the riots? Let’s talk about the riots! I ended up with a new television set and found myself a whole shipment of I-Pads. Turns out the shop windows were reinforced against bricks but not against stolen construction equipment.

Ok that’s a bad joke. In truth the riots didn’t affect me in the slightest. The nearest action was at least two hours away from me, and since you could drive from one end of our little island to the other in a single day, two hours travel is an eternity on English soil. The news outlets were quick to brand the rioters as a troublemaking minority (like the last one, and the one before that), but I remain skeptical, especially now that they’re blaming social networking sites (the same social networking sites they praised during the protests in Egypt!) and video games. Apparently Grand Theft Auto IV made thousands of kids take to the streets and start looting. I’ve been playing it myself and have yet to develop any alarming feelings aside from an intense hatred of pigeons.

You want the real reason for the riots? People are angry, so angry that they wish to take it out on something - anything. Youth centres are closing down, wages have flatlined as food and gas prices continue to rise, and benefits are being slashed. I’m not saying its ok to fetch your V for Vendetta mask and overturn some cars, but let's not pretend there isn't a problem here. This might even set our imminent invasion of America back a few weeks.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Five Reasons Miyagi Would Kick Han's Ass

My twelve year old brother is a big fan of the new Karate Kid movie. I was quite impressed myself having seen all three of the original 80s films (there is no forth movie in that series, and I will crane kick anyone who says otherwise), though I still maintained that the old trilogy was superior. My brother blurted out “Mr Han would kick Mr Miyagi’s ass!” and gave me a confrontational look which said if we came down to blows, I would lose, and lose HARD. I quickly retreated to the Internet to trash Mr Han in an online article my brother will never see. So without further ado, here are my top five reasons why Mr Miyagi would kick Mr Han’s ass.

He’s a real man. Miyagi has a proper beard and keeps to himself. He doesn’t trouble others with his problems and remains an enigma until the second movie where he cries manly tears over the death of his father. Mr Han blubs like a schoolgirl over a wife that died decades ago until a smoggy cloud of awkwardness chokes everyone else in the room. Dude, get over it! She probably wasn’t that hot anyway.

The 1984 Karate Kid universe is populated by bullies who have no qualms with murder. A group of bullies targets Daniel and throws him off a steep hill where he could have easily broken his neck. Next they beat him until he lapses into unconsciousness, and are about to continue beating his unmoving body when Mr Miyagi steps in. Had the old geezer not interfered, these kids would have solved the school sports equipment shortage by fashioning skipping ropes from Daniel’s intestines. This world has absolutely no mercy. Miyagi and Daniel can’t even spend a day at the beach without running into a couple of rednecks itching for a tussle with a teenager and his grandpa.

He was in the army. The 442nd Infantry Regiment to be exact, an all-Japanese American unit. Mr Han is a maintenance man and has presumably never killed anyone.

He has proven himself more capable. Miyagi plucks speeding arrows out of the air. He’s also beaten two psychotic Vietnam veterans who happen to be karate masters, both simultaneously! The only time we see Mr Han’s ability is in his fight with a group of ten year old boys. I’m sorry, is this supposed to be impressive? I could do that. The trick is to grab the smallest one by the legs and swing him around into the others like a medieval flail.

He is arguably a better teacher. Maybe this won't be a factor in a one on one fight, but I’m counting it. Mr Miyagi has enough sayings to put the entire fortune cookie industry out of business. You get the sense that Mr Han has no idea what he’s doing. Furthermore, both movies have scenes where the master trains the student through an unconventional method, only for the students to later discover they’ve been learning how to block the whole time. For some reason Mr Han’s method really doesn’t gel with me, the lack of explanation stretching the believability of a ten year old’s patience.